Lets do a run down, from the safe playground of college till now. I graduated from the Lyme Academy of Fine Arts in 05, moved back to my mother's house in NY, living in the basement room. That already sounds depressing enough. Stayed there for an year in an state of just going through the motions, going to church (meetings), but that really felt foreign to me. I felt like a stranger, not able to relate to the people around me. I love my brothers, my family, and my friends from NY. But more and more I felt like I could not live the life of one of Jehovah's Witnesses. Irv and Lisa provided me with a safe refuge from time to time when I'd visit them. They would never judge me. Lisa knew that I was living a lie and that the religion wasn't for me, but was kind enough to let me come to that conclusion on my own.
One night I was playing WoW at night and my step-father barged in the room yelling at me to shut it off. I yelled back and it degenerated into a punching match. I didn't hit him, but let him try and hit me while I kept taunting saying things like "That's very Christian of you, Henry! Why don't you hit me some more?" I was a prick about it, but I was right. He did apologize the next day, but the damage was done, and I knew I had to move out. Irv and Lisa welcomed me into their home, and even though that's we've had our share of fights and bickering, I learned to be a more responsible and tactful individual, more aware of my surroundings, and the feelings of those around me. I now love Irv, Lisa and Alden like they're my family too, a bond not of blood, but of friendship. They're my "Ka-tet" as King would call it.
Since moving here, for the first year or two I continued to live a partial lie. I would tell my mother that I was going to the meetings when in reality I only went twice, ever. I think the witnesses here are wonderful people, Yahweh bless them all, but I still felt like a stranger. I just couldn't be part of it. Once I had the taste of cultural freedom going back was not an option. I would later discover that God doesn't operate in the rigid way religion will have you think, my "fall" from organized religion was meant to happen, so that I could create Art and serve God's true will for an artist. If I paint about life, the human experience, how could I ever tell it from the very limited perspective of one who has not truly lived. The world is not all pretty and flowery things, I was always attracted to the darker aspects of life. Great Art is, after all, a play of light and shadow, whether it be literally in realism, or figuratively. But I think they all live in fear of the darkness. They always quoted from the Bible "to strip away the old personality and put on the new one according to the Lord" So there is no place for anger, sadness, rage, despair? Those are emotions that make us human, part of the human experience of living, emotions that have historically made for great Art in the hands of the Old Masters.
Little over an year ago I had this spiritual epiphany along with others and used a simple analogy when talking to Irv about it. What character is most interesting to watch in the Simpsons, Homer Simpson or Ned Flanders? The answer is obviously Homer, because even though he makes so many poor choices, he feels much more like the real human being we are. The fact that he is way funnier by himself, while Ned's humor comes from the absurdity of a repressed life, just seals the deal.
Only last summer did I actually tell my mother that I'm not going to meetings nor do I plan to. Since then I let my hair grow long, so that its a visible sign to all, when I visit, that I'm not one of them. I got a lot of heat and not so funny jokes from my mother and Claudio (Leandro pretty much lets me be) and some of my friends from there, but it doesn't bother me. My hair is a symbol of my freedom of thought. I am not, as I was once told I should be, 'a JW first, Luiz Teles second', I am Luiz Teles the Artist first and foremost. How could I stand true before the Creator if I'm not true to my own self?
It was around that time that I earnestly began painting again. My faith in Art was renewed by my faith in an impartial, just God. My spirituality is still very fluid not stabilized into a solid dogma, yet I feel much closer to the universal truth. This path towards a spiritual resolution cleared the fog I had for years and gave me the drive to paint again. Having read King's Dark Tower series I saw how modern mythology, spirituality, fantasy could be weaved together in the journey of a White Knight and tell the most powerful story I've read to date. It inspired me to take all those same elements which I love and depict them through narrative figurative painting. It has set me on the path I am today, the "path of the Beam" on my way to the Dark Tower. I may not have guns forged from Excalibur, but I have my brushes and my faith in the White. My faith in the Father and the Mother aspect of the Divine. Last but not least I have faith in my will to succeed and my Ka-tet's support in my journey.
So I guess that brings me to where I am today.
Feels good to just kind of pour it out, doesn't it? You glossed over a lot, though, you should give yourself more credit for breaking out of your very narrow background, and overcoming a lot of baggage.
ReplyDeleteChange is big, and it's even bigger when you successfully bring it about, yourself. It's been very rewarding to see you grow, like you are. Keep it up, Babycakes :)